"Only the good die young."

I don’t get it. I don’t understand how every decision I make, every move that I take in this world I constantly catch myself debating all my decisions. I was never like this. I used to be such a free spirit, I used to do what I wanted when I wanted. I used to run wild and feel the wind in my hair and not have a care in the world. Then I grew up and I have bills and I have school and work and constant worries. What happened? What could have possibly led me to feel this way? To feel so let down and broken? 

It’s funny really. I can almost remember being happy, it’s a split second memory, and then it disappears. Then all I can remember is this feeling. The feeling of emptiness. The feeling of loneliness. The feeling of nothing. I try to be religious and put my faith in god and think that he has a plan for me, but if he does exist he is doing a crappy job showing it. All he has ever do is let me down. And some argue that this is him correcting my path and showing me that this is not the way to go, well every once in a while some constructive criticism would be nice. I am sick of constantly having my hopes and dreams torn down by this “man” who may or may not exist. I feel like there is something greater out there for me but I have not figured out the best way to reach it yet. It’s such a frustrating feeling. 

And what frustrates me even more is when people say “I understand what you are feeling,”. No, you don’t. Have you had the same experiences as I have? Have you lived the same path of life I have lived? Made the choices I have had to make? No? Well then you have no idea what is possibly going on in my head. You have no idea what I am possibly feeling. Saying “I understand” is what people are supposed to say when they have nothing else to say. It is a piece of english language that is used when words can no longer have meaning and there is nothing else  you can come up with that is possibly better than “I understand.” Please do not tell me that you understand, you probably don’t. 

There’s a story about a young man who wanted to make a lot of money and an old Guru.

The young man told Guru “I wanna be on the same level as you are.”

The old Guru said “If you wanna be on the same level as I’m on, I’ll meet you tomorrow at the beach at 4 am”.

The young man said “I said I wanna make money, I don’t wanna swim.” 

The Guru said:”If you wanna make money, I’ll meet you tomorrow, 4am!”.

So the young man got there at 4 am, he already got on his suit and was ready to go. The old Guru grabbed his hand and said “How bad do you want to be successful?”

The young man said “Real bad!”.

Old Guru said “Walk inside the water“.So the young man walked inside the water until he was deep to the hips. The water was freezing.Then young man thought, “This guy is crazy, I wanna make money, I don’t wanna be a lifeguard.”

The Guru got in, and still asked the young man to come a little bit further, so far that only his head was out of the water. “This guy is crazy,”  the young man thought, “he makes a lot of money but he’s crazy.”

Then the old man said “Come a little more further”, the young man swam to where the water was up to his mouth. The young man said:”I don’t want to do this.” The Guru said, ”I thought you said you wanna be successful!”. The young man agreed that he did want success. So the old man continued and grabbed his head and held him underwater. The young man was scratching and battling for air. The old man raised him up and said, “I gotta question for you, when you were under water, what did you want to do?”.

Young man said, “I just wanted to breathe man.” The old Guru gently replied,

“When you want to succeed as bad as you wanna breathe, then you will be successful!”.

Don’t cry to give up, cry to keep going! Don’t cry to quit, you’re already in pain, you’re already hurt, get a reward from it!

(Photography around campus)

There is this saying that my mom used to tell me all the time, and I think I am finally starting to figure out what it really means. Whenever I used to get upset about not getting the new “cool” clothes, or the next best phone, or those really awesome shoes that I just had to have, mom would say “the best things in life aren’t things.” I would always just get upset because I knew that meant that I wasn’t going to get that thing that I wanted so badly at the time. 

As I get older, I’m starting to understand that what she was really saying is that I didn’t have to have the coolest clothes or the newest phone or the best shoes. The best things in life are the friends that you have and the memories that you make. The best things in life are things that can not be bought, they are the bonds that you create with different people throughout your life. So, I’ll keep creating amazing bonds with the amazing people I keep meeting. And I’ll keep growing as a person, but now I know that I don’t need the best clothes or the newest phone or those really awesome shoes, all I need is that great group of people that I call my best friends!

I feel like every time I come to write something down, I always have something else I should be doing. Tonight, for example, it’s anatomy and physiology. Have you ever thought about how all the muscles and the bones just work together usually without a problem. It’s actually incredible how it all works. To me, the world is kind of like that too. Everything works together, but it seems like it all works together in the wrong ways. You shouldn’t be fighting with one of your best friends but at some point you probably will. You shouldn’t be in love with someone who doesn’t love you but at some point you probably will be. You shouldn’t have to worry about your happiness, but most of the time happiness is the thing we are all worried about. It all works together, just not always in the way we want.

Sometimes we need to just take a break from everything. Walk away from a situation, take a breath and even drop it for a while. Sometimes all we need is a night of laying in bed, crying, listening to sad songs and thinking about how much different our lives should be, could be, or would be had something else happened that day. We deserve that much because we are human and we shouldn’t always have to be calm and collected at all times. So tonight is my night of just laying in bed and thinking. Thinking about how I have literally been sick for weeks and how this might actually be more of a problem then I thought. Thinking about how caring for people and still being the bigger person sucks. Thinking about how that one person could probably change my life if he would give me a time of day. Thinking about how one night with a person can literally change your life, sometimes for the better, but from my experiences it’s always for the worst. I don’t want perfect, I know that things aren’t perfect, the world doesn’t work that way. I just want someone who is going to be there for me when I think I am having one of the worst days of my life. Someone who will take me out on dates and show me to the world. Someone who will treat me like I am the only thing that matters. And even if it ends, at least for a little while I’ll have someone like that, who showed me that that kind of thing really does exist in this world and not just in movies. I guess these are just my thoughts of the night and hey, you can’t hate someone for just speaking, or for me typing, my thoughts. 

I should probably start studying though, even though Bon Iver and my thoughts are definitely going to try to keep me from doing that. Well till next time, see ya later friends!

So, I can honestly say that I never in a million years thought that I would be a blogger. But writing has always been a good stress reliever to me, so I figured I would give it a try. “Sophomore year of college would be easier, they weed out all the freshmen and then you are just left to your major classes which would be a bit easier.” That is the advice I kept getting from people when I was a freshmen, but now I’m a sophomore and things have definitely NOT gotten any easier. Things have gotten harder. I feel like the older I get, the more the world opens up. Which is a good thing, but I am starting to realize that all my life I have lived in a tight, safe little bubble. Just from coming to school, I have learned so much about my self and about the world. These are kind of the “rules” I have created for myself so that I don’t take life too seriously, but if you knew me, you know that I do that anyway. And yes I know this is EXTREMELY cliche, but I wanted to make my first blog actually count!

( Kent get better than this! Wow, yeah that was bad…oh well! )

Rule Number 1) People really do only show you what they want to, until you get to know them. You might think someone is really a good person, but they could turn out to be a terrible person who thinks the world revolves around them, is spoiled, and is completely two-faced. You don’t want that type of person in your life. 

Rule Number 2) The past is the past, but sometimes that much baggage can’t just be tossed in the back of the closet. Now don’t try to say that you are one of those people that doesn’t have baggage, we all have it and we all know it sucks.       

Rule Number 3) Not to steal a quote from the great Bob Marley, but “people are going to hurt you, you just need to find the ones worth suffering for.” This is one of the hardest lessons I have ever had to teach myself, when to let go and when to hold on. I have really bad trust issues and I think that I build up these walls and never really let anyone close enough to hurt me. When they do get close enough and something goes wrong I can’t help but think of what would have happened.  I never really liked losing people, but sometimes it just isn’t worth it anymore. 

Rule Number 4) Sometimes it is better to just let go of someone, rather than trying to fix the damage that has been done. You are just going to get hurt and to be perfectly honest, most of the time it isn’t worth it. If they want you in their life so bad, they will find a way to get you back. Sometimes though, you just got to do you for a while, and that is perfectly okay.

I have learned a lot more about life in the past year but if I kept going honestly this blog would go on forever. These are the first four things I thought of and I have a test to study for. I don’t really know what kind of blog this is going to be yet, so you’ll just have to stay tuned in to find out, but what I can tell you is that it is going to be very interesting and worth while. Oh, and one more little tip, college is literally a bitch sometimes, but its going to get you mad stacks one day! Do good the first time around, and if you are an exercise science major like me, good luck! See ya next time friends!